TALKING RESPITE: With Your Loved One
The importance of keeping the one you care for in the loop
BY:FRAN SILVERMAN
Caregiver advocates say respite is so important that you should talk about it with your loved one as soon as caregiving begins—or even before.
Home Instead Senior Care, a leading provider of home health aides (CLICK HERE for their home care locator), has even come up with what they call the "40/70 Rule" to help you expedite this discussion.
Compiled with the aid of communication expert and author Jake Harwood, PhD, of the University of Arizona, the plan's main points are as follows:
Get started. If you're 40 and your parents are 70, it's time to begin carefully and thoughtfully observing and gathering information.
Talk it out. Approach your parents with a conversation about your observations.
Sooner is better. Talk now rather than waiting until after a crisis has occurred.
Forget the baby talk. Don't patronize. Remember, you are talking to an adult.
Maximize independence. Look for solutions that optimize strengths and compensate for problems.
Stay tuned in. Continue to observe and ask questions. Be sure, for example, that your parents are still involved with their friends.
Ask for help. Seek expert advice from care providers, agencies on aging, local senior centers and others.
AFTER CAREGIVING BEGINS
"Every caregiver needs respite," says Sara Myers, managing director of the National Adult Day Services Association, "so when a caregiver embarks on a caregiving relationship, she needs to weave into her thinking that she will need caregiving partners. [You] can't do it alone. And as caregivers talk to their family members, they need to start talking about caregiving partners."
Communicating with your loved one about being cared for is crucial, and many caregivers don't get needed respite because they feel guilty just bringing up the issue or are fearful their loved one will get upset about being left in someone else's care.
To start the respite conversation, experts suggest you tell your loved one that you will be better able to provide the necessary care if you get some breaks. Your loved one may be hesitant about any breaks in a routine or the thought of having a virtual stranger taking care of his or her personal or medical needs. To alleviate those fears, when possible, enlist your loved one's help in making respite-care arrangements.
If you are going to use a day center or overnight facility for respite, don't leave your loved one out of the process. After choosing one you are confident provides quality care, bring your loved one to the center to see it and spend time there before leaving the person there. Before going together, Myers suggests that you do some research to see if there are activities in which your loved one will be interested on the day you both visit. This helps form a positive response to the new facility.
If hiring an in-home aide or having a volunteer from a community group come to the home, spend time with both your loved one and the respite worker before the volunteer actually needs to take over.
The most important message to send that first day of respite care is that you have confidence in the person or facility in whose care you are leaving your loved one." [You] need to believe this is going to be good,'' says Myers, in an effort to assure your anxieties are not transferred to your loved one.