Beulah, Peel Me a Grape...
Submitted by Debbie on 2008, May 22 - 15:07.
As I talk to caregivers, legislators, even the lady behind me at the grocery store, I find everyone has a different vision of what constitutes respite, which I see very simply as time off for the caregiver. While that definition is relatively simple, clear and near universal, how the time is used, or how some think it should be used, is a fluid concept.
Legislators
Talking to legislators about funding respite programs is like asking your boss for time off. They know they should allow it and you most likely need it, but it really is not convenient for them to approve it.
To your boss, your taking time off creates more work for everyone left behind. And when you come back, your desk is a mess, you are behind in your work and, usually, there are fires that need your immediate attention. Even so, this should not stop you from taking a well-deserved vacation or making a parent-teacher conference.
Legislators certainly will say that if you need the time, please take it—after all, you do such good work. But don’t expect that they’ll want to foot the bill by providing funds for programs to help families with their respite needs. Legislators seem to feel that respite is time a caregiver uses to come up with more programs that need to be funded by the legislature. They also see respite as a time for the caregiver to lay back, get fanned by palm fronds and be hand-fed peeled grapes while having a massage. I wish.
The General Public
Every so often some unenlightened soul will explain that it is my duty to care for my parent, that it is a familial obligation to care for your loved ones in their hour of need. And these people thank us for the good work we do. Bless their heart, they try but are just unable to see the big picture.
Many in the general public go with the palm-frond-peeled-grape-eating vision of respite. The beauty of these folks is that they can be enlightened fairly easily. As they are not vested in their vision of respite, we can explain why ours is a 36-hour day. Then they begin to see how full our day is.
There is, however, the sympathetic sector of society, those who make the sad noises or puppy-dog eyes when you explain your role as a caregiver. These individuals are very receptive to the concept of respite because we “need a break.” Even with these kind-hearted folks, respite is seen as “optional.”
Caregivers
We know (or are learning) that respite isn’t really an optional plan but the glue that holds our lives together. Those of us who use our respite for educational opportunities, support-group meetings or to get exercise in an effort to take better care of ourselves sometimes find reserves of strength we did not know existed.
Those of us who use the time for personal appointments, to relax by taking the long way home—rolling down the windows and turning up the music—finally get a chance to see and hear life around us. We celebrate who we are to ourselves for a fleeting moment that is ours alone.
And those who use the time for work or volunteer activities, don’t forget to laugh while you are there. Enjoy the outside diversions and the interaction with people beyond your inner circle of caregiving compatriots.
As for those caregivers who use respite to live the massage-receiving-peeled-grape-eating-palm-frond-waving life, I salute you. We all need to review our schedules to see how to schedule time as you do. Not only will it make each of us a better caregiver, but a more relaxed one, to boot.
Now go call those respite angels and book your appointments at the day spa. You deserve it.