Caring Today Blog

DON'T LOOK BACK

Posted by Debbie on: March 20th, 2009

In the latest post of My So-Called (Caregiver) Life, Debbie remembers a bit of motherly advice to keep her from second-guessing every decision she ever made while being a caregiver.

My mother was right.  Actually, my mother was always right; come to think of it.  Don't run with scissors.  Don't tip your chair back on two legs.  Don't run with a stick or you will poke your eye out.  I think we have all been through the various warnings.  To be honest, once I realized there was no such thing as a permanent record (I was in college at the time); I no longer had faith in my mother's wisdom that had been passed from generation to generation.

You can't look backwards; this is one of those simple phrases that came with my mother.  I blindly accepted the concept but never really thought about it.  What did it mean?  How could it be important?  Why in the world would that be parental folklore?  Now that I have matured somewhat (my kids would argue that one) I believe the philosophy of you can't look backwards is deep and meaningful.

Recently I have begun to look backwards.  I did not even realize it.  I was replaying every decision I made as a caregiver and evaluating it with perfect hindsight.  It is so easy to beat yourself up for decisions you made in the past.  I fell into the trap of looking backwards.  And there are two paths of looking backwards.

One is to beat yourself up for what you did do...and the other is to beat yourself for what you didn't do.

I can vividly remember every time I lost patience with my Dad. I remember every time I was not as loving as I should have been.  I tell myself, " if I had just sucked it up a little bit longer."  I only had to "make it" until October 5, 2008.  This thinking ignores the obvious—I did not KNOW it was only until 10/5/08!  None of us know how long our caregiving experience will last.  To focus on the moments or even days I fell short is to cheapen what I was able to accomplish with my dad.  Focusing on my shortcomings is not going to help Dad now or allow me to remember him with love and laughter.

Then, there are the missed opportunities.  These are killers.  I can torture myself from here to doomsday with thoughts of "If only I had..." or "I should have tried..."  For me this is much harder than the "did dos," because this was the big decision: I did not have Dad's pacemaker replaced.  This ultimately resulted in his death. There is a very real cause and effect.  I know what Dad wanted. And I know he was tired and ready to be with my Mom in whatever comes after this mortal existence is done.

How not to look back?  How to avoid the trap?  Easy. Forgive yourself and know you are acting for our loved one and following their wishes.