(Re)Calling Long Distance
Posted by Debbie on: December 5th, 2007
For a period of time before my husband, kids and I moved in with my father to take care of him fulltime, I was a ‘long distance' caregiver. And, to be quite honest, I don't think I was very good at it.
I lived in a town about 30 minutes away from my dad, mom and grandmother. I know that might not seem like long distance...but there were times it seemed like it was the other side of the world.
In the beginning, Mom held the caregiver reins and I was the step-up; if she needed a break or had an appointment, I would be there. My husband and my kids would drive with me to Grandmother's house on the weekend. The kids would play, my husband would nap and I would help Mom with housework, cooking and the bookkeeping that goes along with home ownership. But I was not in the thick of it the way I could have been or possibly should have been.
I kept my distance, as I wanted to wait for them to ask for help. I had this silly idea that when they got in a jam or needed help, they would call me. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! This does not happen. Parents, especially, will not call for help until it is overwhelming. They don't want to burden us, they don't want to lose their independence and they don't want their kids to see their fragility. Now, being an only child, I can only imagine what it would be like to have had a sibling who lived with them or in their neighborhood, and the accompanying phone calls: "Look what they did now!" or "Did you know that Mom...?" Eventually it would have likely escalated to, "I cannot believe you are sitting back and just watching this!"
Long-distance caregivers are near and dear to my heart. These are the folks who have a life in place and they cannot necessarily stop their world from revolving and step in to be a physical caregiver. Quite possibly, they just can't be on the front line. We all know it takes a mindset and a dedication to decide to become the on-site caregiver. Some people "get stuck" in their grief and cannot get to the point that they can help provide hands-on care. They may send money and gifts and that may be their only contribution, but quite possibly it is the only contribution they can make often due to life circumstances—jobs, their own nuclear family responsibilities—that are inescapable and beyond their control.
As I said, I was not a good long-distance caregiver. When my grandmother went into the nursing home, I was a great visitor—at first. Then my kids became active in school and with after-school activities, and my parents needed more help. I was getting to work at 6 a.m. and working until 5 p.m. Then I'd rush to pick up the kids, drive to my parents' home to cook them dinner, then toss fast food over my shoulder at my kids in the backseat while we were rushing home in the car, then drop them at home to do homework before realizing I had missed visiting hours at Grandmother's nursing home. I would be ravaged by guilt and not sleep because I was so "bad." But, the next day, I would do the same thing.
There are people who can handle the crazy scheduling and visit every day. Frankly, I do not have what it takes. So when my mother became terminally ill, I just moved in with her and Dad. I left my husband and kids at our home and called them nightly to help the kids with their homework over the phone or to just phone-visit with them. For me, it is easier to be on the front line at my folks' house, doing the day-to-day stuff.
My experience has helped me see that long-distance caregivers have their own battles and, as a result, I hold them close to my heart. It is not, I realize, about the quantity of time you spend physically caregiving, it is about the quality of the caregiving and doing the best you can from wherever you are.