Caring Today Blog

SO NOW WHAT?

Posted by Debbie on: January 27th, 2009

In the latest post of My So-Called (Caregiver) Life, Debbie takes a look at the life awaiting her "after caregiving"—which means getting back to basics with those normal, everyday routines of punctuality, housekeeping and wellness.

During my time as an active caregiver (somehow I doubt I will ever NOT be a caregiver to some extent), I marked time as "before caregiving," "during caregiving" and "after caregiving."

The "after caregiving" phase was a nebulous idea and no matter how hard I tried, I could not get a feel for what was going to be waiting me there. I also developed a Scarlett O'Hara attitude of "there is always tomorrow." So, every difficult decision not involving my Dad was carelessly thrown into the "after" pot.

Now here I am, looking into that pot and thinking "ewwwwww." Unknowingly, I had gloriously embraced the freedoms that caregiving provided me. Sounds backwards, doesn't it? Proceed forward to understand what I mean:

PUNCTUALITY

This is something I struggle with, not just me but my children, too. I think there must be a latent gene I unknowingly passed on to my unsuspecting children. I always tried so hard to be on time, used all the tricks and "nada." Kind of hard to trick yourself by setting the clock 10 minutes ahead when you just subtract the 10 minutes and there goes the buffer. I realized fairly early on that Dad needed to get ready and to do things in his own time. Everything took a little longer and there were unexpected delays; frankly, it seemed that my life was one long unexpected delay. But I could breeze in a few minutes late and I was forgiven as no one really wanted to hear about the challenge of the day.

HOUSEKEEPING

I hate to clean my house. Hate it! Hate it! Caregiving success is partially based on streamlining and eliminating the unnecessary. Alzheimer-proofing the house was an ongoing process because safety issues were constantly being reviewed as Dad's orientation decreased. Having a few waiting loads of laundry (or a mountain) was not as important as making sure the door alarms were set and working. A few dishes in the sink were not nearly as important as removing all visible household poisons. Now that I no longer have those preoccupations, I am accountable for my house—and somehow again beholden to all those ingrained lessons from my mom. Vacuum every day and your house looks clean. Dust so you cant see finger prints. OMG, is that a spider web in the corner?! 

WELLNESS

Now it's time to take care of me and I'm really not sure how to do that. Caregiving is about caring for others and while we all know that we have to be good to ourselves in order to care for our loved one, we tend to forget us. So all those years of bargaining with my doctor have come screeching to a halt and I must take an inventory of my own health. Once again—ewwwwwww. That cholesterol level that needs to be reduced—hello, oatmeal. Those five (or more, but I'm not ready to own that one yet) pounds that need to be lost—goodbye, ice cream. I need to learn how to sleep. Did you ever think you would say that? Not me. I need to learn to relax. And, I need to forgive myself. 

Caregiving has come full circle for me. In the beginning, forgiveness was a skill I had to learn. I was so afraid to hurt my loved ones, make a bad decision, or whatever that I was paralyzed. Once I learned to accept that I can only change me and that I am doing my best, NOT my "perfect," it all became easier. You could say that I am now "back to basics."