What Ifs
Submitted by Debbie on 2008, January 22 - 11:07.
I had a recent conversation with a wonderful friend and fellow caregiver. While our specific caregiving situations are dissimilar, our experience follows the same path. We have had many discussions about caregiving and recently have begun discussing life after caregiving. As my dad's dementia increases, I find I spend more and more time rehashing the ultimate question: What will I do with the rest of my life? Before I digress, let me warn you, I do not have the answer and I won't have the answer until it happens. But what I know is this: I have to come to accept three things while I am a caregiver in order to have peace when this is over.
I have to accept that I may make mistakes.
No, let me reword that. I have to accept that I did and will make mistakes. Situations will arise that I am unprepared for. This is the "stuff happens" area of caregiving. I will make decisions that might not prove wise in the long run, but always with the best of intentions. I have to forgive myself and let go of all the things I have screwed up. This list includes forgetting the diaper bag just as Dad is unable to make it through the grocery store; not visiting my grandmother in the home as often as I could have or should have; being insensitive or short-tempered over ice cream being put in the fridge instead of the freezer, etc. All of these things I could have done better, but I have to accept that they happened and move on. I am a better caregiver for learning these lessons and a more forgiving human being, or so I hope.
I have to accept that I did some things right.
This is actually harder for me than admitting my mistakes. Our Puritan work ethic sets us up to be critical of our performance—we are never good enough, fast enough, smart enough, etc. Okay, do we need medals (would be nice), fame (no, thank you), accolades (packs of sycophants eager to tell me how wonderful I am? Over that!)? No, I don't need those things, though they would be lovely in moderation. What I need, bottom line, is to learn to accept that sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I was ahead of the game—I had the ice cream in the dish before Dad knew he even he wanted it, I got a hospital bed so he could breathe more easily, I kept him safe and clean (even when he didn't want me to).
I have to eliminate the "What ifs..."
Of these three issues, it's the "What ifs" that will haunt me. What if I had done this differently? What if I had said this? What if I hadn't said that? The list goes on and on. The "What ifs" are those sneaky little misgivings that wake us up at 4 a.m or flutter all day in the back of our mind. But what are the "What ifs", really? To me, when I sit down and really tackle it, they are worries and fears that I manufacture to torture myself. And trust me, no one can hurt me quite the way I can. I know the buttons to push, the insecurities to feed on; and that is where my "What ifs" come from.
So, how do I beat the Evil Trio? It is very simple, my friend. Forgive yourself. Know you did the best you could under exceptional circumstances. Know your loved one appreciated all that you did (even if he or she can't or couldn't express it). Accept that your sacrifices meant something and were not wasted. Just love yourself enough to forgive yourself.