Work and Caregiving
Submitted by Debbie on 2008, July 15 - 10:12.
In my “other life,” I work in Human Resources. I love the work and I love the interaction with co-workers and the employees I serve. I love meeting people, welcoming them to our company, and seeing my work as having value. And, of course, there’s the always-needed financial compensation. Recently, though, I was struck by my career’s path.
When I first started in the workplace, I was a young single woman. Then I was a young married woman. That was soon followed by my being a young mother—and, finally, as the old crone (well, not that old a crone). My first pregnancy was a breeze, until I went into labor a few weeks early. It all turned out very well and I had a happy, healthy little girl. Then she had her first birthday and her health fell apart. During the next two years, she would have seven operations. There were midnight runs to the ER and unscheduled doctor visits.
Soon, I was missing a lot of work. I pulled my supervisor aside many times to ask for time off as we discussed my daughter’s health. My supervisors and co-workers were very sympathetic and supportive. They sent flowers to the hospital and visited us at home and in the hospital. There were phone calls and gestures of support. But as our health hurdles continued, the support melted away. The visits slowed, my requests for time off were met with moments of silence. I felt overwhelmed by work and home, knowing of no safe harbor.
At the time I was too naïve to realize that I needed to have frank discussions with my employer. I needed to lay it on the line and ask for time. This was back in the day when FMLA (the Family Medical Leave Act) was either none existent or so new that no one knew how to administer it.
I since have found myself in a similar situation, but with my parents needing the care instead of my kids. I’ve also found that employers can be sympathetic, but we caregivers must begin the necessary discussions.
After my mother’s death, I realized that caring for my dad full time was too hard for me. I could not adequately meet the demands of my job and my family. I flashed back to my daughter’s illness and how badly I’d botched the work/home connection. (I actually called one night and left a message that my daughter was in emergency surgery and I would call when I could. I called seven days later and no one was happy.) I knew I needed to suck it up and find a solution. I came up with this four-part plan:
1. I thought about what my family needed. I made a list of financial concerns, career concerns, safety concerns, transportation needs, appointments, etc. And I honestly looked at my job to determine if I were able to satisfactorily perform. I realized I could not. I was not getting enough rest, was barely functioning at work and home. I sat down with my employer and talked about the situation, rather than waiting to be called in for the inevitable “serious discussion initiated by my supervisor.” I said, “Houston, we have a problem.” We talked for a long time and brainstormed about we how could make this work to our mutual benefit.
2. I worked with the solution we developed. I was surprised at their willingness to work with me. They didn’t want me to leave; they didn’t want to replace me. They considered me a reliable asset. But they needed me to be focused and, frankly, I was not up to the task. Luckily, we were in a position where I could take a year off. I spent the year getting my family acclimated to being caregivers, making changes as necessary and creating a support system.
3. I satisfied my itch to go back to work. Once the plan was in place, I wanted to work again. I wanted to feel like a “contributing member of society.” I wanted to talk to people about something other than medicine, illness and grief. I wanted a life. By a stroke of fate, my former supervisor called and asked me to come in on a temporary basis while she went on vacation. It seemed a perfect trial for my new life. Two weeks in, I knew full-time employment was out of the question for me. But when she came back, we negotiated my return to work on a part-time basis. Working part time was previously unheard of at my company and it threw payroll and HR into a policy tizzy. “What do we do with her?” they questioned.
4. I helped them get over the culture shock. I learned to juggle full-time caregiving and part-time employment. I like to think that it was my dedication to the human-resources profession that gave me the insight to find a solution. But, not really. It was necessity being the mother of invention.