Caring Today Blog

Letting Go

Submitted by mlichter on 2006, December 19 - 09:44.

One thing a caregiver has to prepare for is no longer being a caregiver.

Whether it's because the person for whom you're caring recovers, improves or passes away, the day will come—and it takes some adjusting on your part. That feeling of constantly being needed vanishes, a void is created and you don't know how to fill it. You don't even know if you should. You finally have time to take care of yourself and you're not used to that.

Loneliness is a factor. So is the absence of feeling needed. As much you might have considered your caregiving duties a burden, there was satisfaction from knowing how you were helping someone else, how someone relied on you. And when that's gone—when you're not the go-to guy or gal-you may wonder what you're supposed to do with your time and what will make you feel as special to someone else's life as that experience did or does.

Each of us must respond to this situation in our own way. Feeling a sense of relief might even be instantaneous—and, yet, it might instill feelings of guilt. But this is a natural feeling. You will and should feel relieved. You will have dealt to that point with an enormous responsibility. To know that, even for one day, you are responsible for only yourself is intensely freeing—and daunting. You likely have not considered yourself your primary responsibility. But, fact is, you are and always have been. You just might not have acted as if that was the case. And it's time you did.

Four years ago today, my wife passed away. Although I still had my daughter to raise and my mother to watch after, it was nothing like the intensity of the previous couple of years, or especially the previous few months, leading up to Lynne's death. I was relieved. I did feel guilty. And I learned to accept the relief I felt and realize there is nothing about which to feel guilty. That I am the survivor? Of that, I had no control. That I was no longer constantly putting another's needs before my own? We must learn, even when helping another, to put our own needs first. That I now had all this time I didn't know how to fill? It was about time I had the opportunity to learn.

I miss my wife dearly and think of her often. And, knowing that she would have wanted it to be so, I have learned to move on. I do not shirk the responsibilities life has given me, but I've learned to let go of the responsibilities I once had. Learn to do that even as you continue to provide care. Be prepared. It will help you be happy.