Who's Gonna Care for Me?
Submitted by mlichter on 2007, January 29 - 09:28.
Ever wonder about that? I'm sure you do. I know I do.
My diabetic/arthritic 84-year-old mother is suffering ever more from dementia—and, of course, refuses to recognize or acknowledge that fact. My brother, who I thought (even long distance) would be able to assist me with my mother—if only by providing me brief respite—attempted suicide this week, so his help will not be forthcoming.
But what all this makes me realize all the more—as I fend off depression and anger—is that, come the time I will need help, there will be no one there for me. After many years of caring for various family members, I'm going to be on my own. If I have a heart attack tomorrow, who will help me? If I'm in a car accident next week, who will assist me? Should I need surgery, who will look after me? It's okay if you can't answer those questions, because I can't answer them either.
The problem with being a widowed and virtually sibling-less sole caregiver is that you leave yourself open for a big fall. And though we always tell you, here at Caring Today, that you should make sure to take care of yourself and tend to your own well-being, crap happens.
So, I could tell you to try to gather up a group of friends and let them know of your concern, so that should the need arise you will have a team at the ready.
I could tell you to talk to a therapist who might help you deal with the mental anguish.
I could tell you to find a support group to help ease your stress by sharing your troubles and getting ideas from others in your situation.
I could tell you to go to the gym and work out your frustrations while improving your physical health.
But the question remains, even if one does all those things: "Who's gonna care for me?"
If you're wondering the same thing—or if you've possibly found an answer to the question in your own case—add your comment. It's a great way to help your fellow caregivers.
Comments
Care for the caregiver
I so related to this article that it prompted my first (to date) comment. I am a 43 year old, single man cring for my father who suffers from ALS. I often wonder what will happen if and when I need someone to look after me.... I have been the primary caregiver for my father for the past six years. I quit my job and sold my houme to move to New York City when it became neccesary for my father to have constant care. For the first 3 years, we had help in the form of a home health aide. However, the cost became prohibitive and we had to let her go. I am one of three children and have had help over the years, mainly from my younger sister and occasionally from my older brother. Well, my sister died of breast cancer last year and now I am left to care for my dad virtually on my own, while also dealing with the unbearable task of grieving for my baby sister and best friend.
I wish I could say it helps to know that others have similar problems (although I don't feel my situation is unique). I also don't know what, if any reaction I anticipate from my comments. Just felt like talking about it I guess......
For TomA
Sometimes, feeling like talking about itâ€â€and finding the opportunity like this to do soâ€â€is what helps. It doesn't immediately solve the problem, but it helps to know others share the problem and also are looking for a solution. That's part of the importance of voicing your concerns on a site like this, because it is possible that someone else might have a suggestion. Minimally, others can empathize and offer support.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your sister. And also accept my encouragement as you continue to face the challenges presented by your commendable care of your father. You have assumed a huge task. I can only hope there is a way to get your brother to contribute more and offer you some respite.
I would suggest contacting the New York State Office for the Aging (http://www.aging.state.ny.us/ or call 1-800-342-9871) and the New York City Department for the Aging (http://www.nyc.gov/html/dfta/html/home/home.shtml or call 311 within the five boroughs)to see what assistance they might be able to provide you in caring for your dad. They might be able to suggest low-cost care options of which you might not have been previously aware.
Remember, if you want to vent, feel free to contact me and this community of caregivers here. Good luck to you. And, please, stay in touch.
Caring for the Caregiver
You are not alone in your situation. The latest issue of Neurology (Neurology. 2007;68:923-926.v) published a study that shows caregivers of ALS patients are more likely to develop depression by 9 months into the caregiving than the patient themselves. One major contributing factor is the caregiver's perspective on the situation. By getting help from as many outside sources as possible (local office on aging and ALS Association, etc.) you are also building your connection to help, should you need it.
Another source is life coaches, who usually work over the phone with clients. Some coaches provide very inexpensive coaching while they are in the certification process. Many coaches have years of experience in coaching or related fields. To find coaches willing to coach you very inexpensively while they complete their certification process, go to www.CoActiveNetwork.com. Of course, it is wise to interview any coach before agreeing to work with them. You want to know that your coach understands the complexity of your situation. They can't help with physical caregiving, but they can certainly provide care for the emotional exhaustion that comes with it.
As a caregiver of someone with ALS, I think you have one of the most physically demanding jobs out there. Please ask for help when you need it.