The Small Gesture
Submitted by susan on 2006, December 18 - 16:49.
Last Saturday night, I was at a big party where (what a surprise!) one of the topics of conversation was caregiving. A friend was there with her now-healthy husband, so her story has a happy ending. But getting there wasn't easy. The months and months of dialysis, the kidney transplant, the time it took to get a match, the subsequent problems he had when they were afraid the kidney might be rejected—every detail was very fresh in her mind.
With tears in her eyes, she spoke of exhaustion and worry. She mentioned how many friends and acquaintances called during those many long months and how much their concern for her and her husband was so appreciated. Then she added, with a sigh and a smile, "You know what was the best? The friends who called and said they were thinking of us but there was no need to call back unless we needed something. So I didn't feel that when I came home from the hospital at night that I had to return a lot of phone calls and explain over and over what was going on. I could get some rest, and fall asleep feeling supported and loved."
Sometimes it's the small things that are just right, isn't it? What kind of support means the most to you as a caregiver? What's been the most helpful? What hasn't worked for you when friends and family have tried to help? And how have you gone about getting the support you really need? Weigh in, won't you? I'm sure other caregivers would love to hear your thoughts.
Comments
Getting Support
I know what you're talking about. I know my friends love me, but it drives me crazy when they keep calling asking how they can help. It's just something else for me to think about. Here's what works: don't call and ask, don't call and tell me. Just do it, whatever it is. Want to cook my husband and me a meal? Great. Want to help me out with keeping up the lawn? Great. Want to shovel my drive? Great. I really, truly appreciate it. Just do it!
Getting Support
Oh my gosh, how I do understand. I love the line "If there is anything I can do, please let me know!" As you stated..just do it. During the past 2 years of caregiving of my parents and with next to no help from my 3 siblings, I welcomed any help but honestly at the time of the requests I was too darn tired to give a suggestion. I was caring for my parents, working full time and trying to care for my own family. ANY thing you can do for a caregiver is more than greatly appreciated..it is NEEDED. But please don't make promises you can't keep. I had one man promise to keep the lawn up at my parents house for me. I was so thankful but he did it the one day he saw me there and never again. Caregivers need your help...some day you will need theirs!
i completly understand
I know that friends are concerned and do worry as well about the sick or ill friends. But sometimes no phone call is a good thing because with every phone call you have to worry. In my case when I went into the hospital with my boyfriend of 12 years in June of last year he was really sick and the Doctor's said that he might not make it through and now over 7 months later he is still hear and i'm loving him more because he made it. But it never failed with every Doctor who walked in you always expected the worst. And to the lady with her husband with kidney problems i know what your going through. My boyfriend is having problems with his kidneys at first they shut down then came back to full function and now there are kideny stones and always a scare with every doctor report with each visit is it bad or good and i hate that every time that it seems to throw another wrench into the fire and so scared as a caregiver when will they go. When does that feeling ever go away. People say that the job as caregivers it's a hard job and some times we do need days away. Friends should say "I'm coming over on Saturday for 1-4 hours and you will need to get ready because you are going out for time on the town". The asking to do things is great but sometimes we need to be told to just go and don't worry.