LEAVE THE GUILT BEHIND
Posted by Victori on: January 10th, 2009
In our newest blog Caring for the Caregiver, Victor shares feelings about aggravation, guilt and driving 60 miles to check in on his mom. He also gets some good advice from a good friend: "Give yourself a break."
Last Tuesday I was feeling just miserable. I was aggravated with everything and everybody around. I was even more aggravated with myself for feeling like I was not meeting my responsibilities.
After all how could I be so selfish not to drop everything get in my car, drive 60 miles to visit my Mom. After all, she sounded upset on the phone and has been going through difficult times. I received a phone call from a friend and was telling him what was going on. He listened and then gave me the advice that in retrospect I am sure I would give to most people in my position. He simply said, "Give yourself a break".
It is easy to feel surrounded by guilt when you are a family caregiver.
I know that there are days that I am overwhelmed with all I have to do. Consequently, I can get short with my Mom and with those around me. I become an overall pain-in-the-neck (although I have been told that I may be aiming a bit too high). Naturally, I feel terribly guilty afterwards.
There are days that I come home and do not give my family the time that I realize they need. Naturally, I feel guilty about that.
There are days that, because of my increased responsibilities, I have to leave work early and not be available to help prepare for a big presentation. Naturally, I feel guilty about that.
And, there are many times that I do not have any time for myself. Naturally, I do not feel guilty about that. However, I do feel frustrated and this spills out as edgy. And, of course, I do feel guilty about that.
I am mentioning this because if you are a family caregiver there is a good chance that you have experienced guilt in all kinds of shapes and forms. The advice that many caregivers have given me about guilt can be summed up in just one word...STOP!
Well, as simple as this sounds, I have worked on this and allowed myself to feel whatever I feel without guilt. The result has been really good as I have begun to shed a lot of weight off my shoulders. It has made me realize that I'm the one pressure on myself, and not others. Therefore, only I can define the meaning I place on the conditions that surround me.
This makes for a much better day!
Have you had a similar experience? If so, please share your story. I am sure it will help many of us.
Be well. V
Comments
Feeling Helpless Caring from a Distance
My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 50. As if the lung cancer wasn't bad enough, he lived in South Carolina and I lived near Chicago, where I was raising three small children. The guilt was constant. I always felt guilty for where I wasn't at the time - guilty I wasn't at his bedside permanently, and when I was with him, guilty I wasn't with my children and husband back home.
In addition to feeling guilty, I felt so helpless. I couldn't seem to get the medical information about his diagnosis and care I wanted via phone. Doctors forgot to call me back, nurses were too busy to give me every detail I wanted. This was truly one of the most difficult times in my life.
My father passed away in 2005 after a five year battle with cancer. Five years of the struggles of knowing where to be and when. Five years of guilt and helplessness. I, like so many others, needed some help during that time.
Losing my Dad was a turning point in my life. This experience (and unfortunately a few others like it) propelled me into starting my own business. Hospital Companions, Inc. (a companionship company and health advocate for patients and families) is truly my labor of love. We help families who felt the same way I did.
Our mission is to make some of life's most difficult times easier for patients and their families.
I hope you'll share your stories with me. I continue to learn so much by people's personal experiences.
Are you struggling with caregiving from a distance?
Thank Your For Sharing
I am very sorry to hear about your Dad's passing and the emotional and I am certain physical toll that the circumstances surrounding his illness took on you. However, it appears that you channeled your experience and energies into a vocation that will help many family caregivers who unfortunately may encounter a very similar situation as your experienced.
Many family caregivers, especially “distance” caregivers, have stories that are very reflective of yours. Guilt is an emotion that can easily take over a family caregiver’s life. Being able to talk over your feelings with family and/or friends can be a big help in this situation. If not, it is very easy to let guilt become the road to isolation.
Cheryl it sounds like through your experience that you have found a life that is personally rewarding and valuable to other family caregivers. When a family caregiver accepts the fact that much of the time they are doing all they can with the time and resources that they have available, guilt can quickly a distant thought!
Thank you for sharing your story.
V
haha
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My mom is 82 w/dementia. She
My mom is 82 w/dementia. She has no short term memory. She's not wandering yet, thx to God. She's a very nice lady & i love her dearly. Sometimes i find myself getting very stressed out. I wait on her hand & foot bascially 24/7, i'm retired. I have a bad back and it hurts a lot. My whole life & schedule is based around her's. I have Hospice coming in to help, thx to God. They are my angels!!!!! I don't know what i'd do without their help. I find my patience runs short when or if i'm in a hurry and she's soooooooooooooooo slow. Sometimes i pull her by the arm a little faster than her feet will go and then i feel terrible about it, but this hardly ever happens. Is this common? I pray for patience. Thx for listening. I need much more time for myself. The Hospice volunteers are not good. They have a hard time getting them. The Alz. Project had a great one but now she's quit, I'll get another soon, i hope. Again, Thx for listening.