Patience Is a Waste of Time
Submitted by Victori on 2007, August 20 - 11:26.
When I came up with this phrase years ago, it unfortunately accurately reflected my attitude about having little appreciation for patience and very little belief that patience is a virtue. My self-indulgent quip usually would get a laugh or maybe a quizzical expression from those within earshot. The sad thing, however, is that I really believed it.
It wasn't until I became a family caregiver that I realized the ridiculous nature of this way of thinking. I've found patience to be an essential ingredient for delivering quality care for a loved one. More so, I have found it to be a necessity in preventing me from beating myself up during the most trying of times; the self-inflicted negative effect of a lack of patience on my personal well being had become a real problem.
I don't know about you, but as a caregiver I quickly found out that there were many things I had to deal with that were completely out of my control. Though rarely catastrophic scenarios, I found many to be overwhelming simply because of my lack of patience that resulted in my not giving myself a break. Given my impatience, especially with myself, a sense of stress and anxiety became my near-constant emotional state. I didn't allow myself to be receptive to joyful experiences or to appreciate the many good and satisfying parts of my life.
So what brought about my understanding of the need for patience? Oddly, it was my having to experience one of my most impatient times. For whatever reason, right in the center of a self-imposed emotional storm, the words of a flight instructor of mine from over 30 years ago popped into my head: "Sometimes, when you are flying through turbulence, the best way to handle it is to just relax and not hold onto the yoke (wheel) too tightly. "Let time and the conditions help you. Make sure you have done all you can do, just give it time, and don't fight every little bump." Eureka!
These words have had a lot more meaning and benefit for me on the ground than they ever did in the sky. They've made me a better caregiver for others, more understanding of those around me, and allowed me to be at greater peace with myself. I hope they do the same for you.
Comments
patience
next time I find myself losing all patience I will try not to hold on to the yoke to tightly and take a few more deep breaths.
Overwhelming
I moved back to the south to take care of my elderly parents two years ago, along with my youngest sister. Last year my youngest sister died and a few months later my father did too. Yet I'm still expected to do everything for my mother, which I really don't mind except the house is cluttered and she doesn't want to get rid of anything; she insists on my oldest brother staying in the house, although he's been there for over ten years and has done nothing to help with any bills and thinks only of himself; the house was infiltrated with bugs and bills were not paid.
I cannot continue to live in this clutter because i know the bugs will come back. And it's not fair that I contribute to the household and am only interested in my mom's welfare while others only want to use her or think of themselves.
Hello to an old friend
It's nice to see an old friend find a way to help others. Victor, I plan to pass this link to many people that I know. Remember my mother, Rita? She needed this when caring for my grandmother. She will be so pleased to know what you have done here. All the Best, Jackie
Hi
Jackie:
It is good to hear from you. I hope all is going well.
I am sorry that Rita is beginning to deal with these issues with your grandmother. If there is any information that you are interested in please let me know and I will be glad to help however I can.
Take care of yourself and an advanced Happy Birthday on the 19th! Victor
P.S. Please give my best to Rita.
Patience
I have no patience when it comes to the medical field's incompetence. My husband was in a motorcycle accident. Broke his neck, ribs, had a concussion, put on a ventilator, etc etc. After 25 days in a trauma unit, they sent him to the floor where the nurse didn't even know he was coming, the housekeeping staff had not cleaned the room, and the doctor didn't even tell me or our kids. He was on a bed in the hallway waiting on the doctor, housekeeping and his records. Took two hours for him to get out of people's way. When I started complaining, nicely at first, then more agressive, I was told to ask for a family conference. I did, never got it as "they" moved him to a rehab center across town within the next 48 hours. I went to stay with him that morning and he was gone!!! Lack of communication and caring and competent staff. The medical field is a farce. I could go on about his rehab but don't get me started. We finally decided he could progress more at home then in a hospital. We brought him home and he can now walk, move one arm and talk with intelligence. He is only 58 and I am 56.
patience
I agree with the incompetent, uncaring attitude of much medical "help".
We have been blessed with a kind general
practitioner and his phenomenal nurse to help us thru these last few years.
But as for oncologists , hospitals, outpatient care. They can kill before they cure.
Cancer "care" for us was the constant encouragement to enter clinical trials. They see my husband as nothing more than a guinea pig to experiment on. He was deemed terminal 4 years ago and the first suggestion was an experimental protocol by a local oncologist.... another doc said it was useless! So that doc suggested HIS protocol which was MUCH better. It had a 5% success rate. Wow. and 95% chance of severe physical damage or death. Great help, eh?
3 years later we tried medical help one more time. This oncologist suggested AVASTIN . The same "useless" drug
prescribed 3 years prior. All of this so called care was based on making money and a name for the doc or hospital thru
experimental protocol. Lots of money from pharmaceutical companies come to these docs and hospitals.
Dont be their guniea pig.
I have no doubt had my husband given in to any of these protocols he would have died long ago. Not from cancer but from the so called cures.
Grandmother
I agree patience is important but it's hard to always remember that. I am 28 and am the only care giver for my 87 year old grandmother. She feels my life revolved around hers and does not realy accept the fact that I can have my own life too. After months of anxiety and stress about the situation I now know there are very few things I can actually do to change the situation. But there are things I can do to make the hand I was dealt a little easier to manage.
Grandmother
I can understand the stress that you are experiencing. This is especially the case when a loved one can at times lose sight of the needs of their caregiver. When you realize that this is happening as difficult as it is there needs to be a conversation about boundaries and needs from both perspectives. Naturally, depending on the health condition of your loved one your approach can vary a lot, however, the end result needs to be the same... you need to have your own time, each and every day.
Brigette, the conclusion you reached is a very wise one. There are many thing completely out of our control but the one thing that is in our control is the meaning that we put to situations we are experiencing.
Many years ago I read a book and the author was reflecting his passage through some very difficult times. At one point he was describing how he came out of it all being a more positive and peaceful person. His quote was "I realize that I could look at my life and be happy or sad and I chose happy"
To be honest when I read this I thought to myself that this was nonsense, it is too simple, but over the next few days that quote keep with me and I became much more thoughtful about the author's philosophy...he was right. No matter what the circumstances we do have a choice.
I hope that you choose happiness and take care of your grandmother and especially of yourself!