Caring Today Blog

Taking Charge of Yourself

Submitted by Victori on 2007, March 26 - 16:04.

When my dad's health was in decline, I found myself consumed with thoughts of his health and the emotional effect it was having on him and my mom. I constantly projected scenarios of what must be going on during their day, what my dad was feeling about his illness, what my mom was feeling about seeing Dad-the family's "rock"-failing. Basically, I always prepared myself mentally for the worst-case situation.

By trying to be as strong a support provider as possible for my parents, I planned my emotional mindset to always be two steps ahead of things. Unfortunately, the "be prepared" mindset caused me to miss the important "good" family moments because I was so consumed with looking for the first signs of a problem.

Mark Twain once said, "I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." I found myself suffering such tragedies daily. My emotional perspective about Dad's health was so skewed that I felt incredibly burdened, emotionally and physically. When I'd walk through the front door of my parent's home or into Dad's hospital room, I'd exude optimism, wear a big smile and appear to be in complete control and good humor. But, internally, I was extremely upset, regardless of the actual state of things at that moment. I had fallen into the trap of letting my emotional state control the situation, influencing how I saw and heard things.

After being a caregiver for about three months, I read an article that explained the power and control each of us has over our emotional state or perspective. The individual, the article explained, is the only one able to determine the perception he or she places on a given situation. For instance, I had decided that Dad's situation was extremely dire. As a result, regardless of the positive happenings during our visits, deep in my soul I was not able to truly enjoy our time together. I was emotionally preparing myself for a bomb to go off, since that eventually had to happen considering the mental picture I had created. Well, after absorbing this article, it was as if the proverbial light bulb went on.

From that point forward, over the next eighteen months, I dismissed the negative projections or premonitions and truly looked forward to spending time with my parents. I created a personal belief that I only had control over the moment I was in and, if something should come up, I would deal with it however I must. I stopped permitting fear to steal time away from me. I talked with my parents instead of observing them; I listened to my dad instead of trying to confirm what I thought I knew what was going on in his head.

Did this disposition change the outcome of my dad's declining health? No. But it did allow us to spend our time together well, and lifted the self-imposed emotional burden I placed on myself.

As a caregiver, take charge of your emotional state and give yourself and your loved one a chance to emotionally engage. Do more than just get through your time with your loved one. You have a lot more control over the situation than you think.