WHEN CARING BECOMES PLURAL
One caring daughter plus two ailing parents equals a challenge beyond imagination and dependent on inspiration.
BY:ANNE HOSANSKY
Photography by Fran Collin
At first it seemed a workable situation—a father with Alzheimer’s, a daughter willing and able to care for him. That’s what Gail Snyder first thought when her mother, Florence, found it too difficult to handle her 89-year-old husband, Aaron, by herself. The final straw had come one wintry morning in 2003 when Gail’s father had gotten up before dawn, put his coat on over his pajamas, and insisted on going out for a walk. Florence, who has severe arthritis and diabetes, couldn’t move fast enough to stop him, and he fell on the ice. “It was clear that he needed better care than Mom could give him,” says Gail.
Gail and her mom discussed options. Although Florence didn’t want to leave her own home, which is only 15 miles from Gail’s suburban Philadelphia house, “she was willing to have Dad live with me,” recalls Gail. “I figured I’d worry less if he did. Mom said she’d pay the expenses.” Gail talked it over with her husband, Hal Marcovitz, and two teenage daughters before going ahead with the plan.
No one could have imagined that within months they would all be caring for Gail’s mother, too.
The “catalyst,” Gail recalls, was her mother’s second cataract surgery last summer. Soon after, it seemed, Florence started having frequent anxiety attacks. “She called 911 several times,” says Gail. “I arranged for a social worker to help her, but they didn’t get along. The social worker said it was clear Mom shouldn’t live “by herself” anymore. I thought having one parent with dementia was about all I could contend with, but this was crisis time.”
The family held a conference at the nearby home of her brother, Alan. Unfortunately, because of circumstances within his own household, Alan said that he couldn’t take in either parent. So their mother was presented with two options: either move in with Gail, or go to an assisted living facility—which Florence was dead set against.
As a result, Gail now has two parents living with her—and two sets of schedules involving medical appointments and transportation. Gail, a freelance writer who works from home, daily juggles the demands of her job around taking her father to an adult day-care center. When asked if this coordination is difficult, she shrugs and says, “Like any habit, you get used to it.”
But it’s been much harder to persuade her mother to go to a local senior center, which would free Gail more. “Mom peeked into one a couple of times, but it was too depressing a scene for her. Even though she’s 88, she still has mental facility and needs to be more active. I did get her to go to the center a few times, and I’m working on getting her to go more often.” One day Gail was temporarily upbeat because her mother had agreed to attend a program at the center. “She went by public transportation,” says Gail. “I gave her a note reminding her to take her medication and that I’d pick her up after the lecture.” Hours later, however, her mother came back declaring it a waste of time. She’d also forgotten to take her medication. Gail was frustrated. “Give me teenagers anytime!”
Having her mother and father move in meant a radical rearrangement of the house. The three bedrooms are on the second floor and the stairs are too hard for her parents. So the family moved the living room furniture into the dining room to set up sleeping quarters downstairs. “We’ve lost the use of our living room,” Gail says. She also moved her home office into the basement.
She insists that she and her husband have learned to “accommodate” their life to this new routine. Recently it was their 24th anniversary. They settled for a celebration at lunch, because getting away evenings has become so difficult. Gail is also trying to make medical appointments easier whenever possible. “I transferred my parents to my podiatrist. Mom didn’t want to switch but I told her I couldn’t keep making that trip.” Gail was even able to persuade the podiatrist to come to the house. “I tried to work this with the eye doctor, too, but the nurse explained that the instruments in the office are more precise.”
However, this kind of lifestyle can be difficult for your children, she warns. “My 14-year-old is having a hard time because we can’t do fun things together as much. There’s less time for special things.” Still, she says, “You have to find windows of time. Today I’ll have one hour when she comes home from school before I have to pick up Dad. So I’m taking her to the store to pick out a present for her friend.” Fortunately Gail’s 18-year-old, Michelle, a college freshman, has had fewer problems with the situation. “She’s gratified that I’m doing this for her grandparents.”
Hal has been wonderful throughout, Gail says. Because “it takes two people to lift my father in and out of bed, my husband puts his arms around Dad and tells him, ‘I’m giving you a bear hug.’”
Praised by everyone as a saint for the care she gives her father, Gail reacts with a laugh. “I don’t feel like one!” Still, Gail says affectionately, “I could always go to him for advice, and he was always doing things for other people. So it’s payback time for him.” On his 90th birthday the whole family gathered around the table and toasted him. “His face lit up!”
Gail’s honest, however, about being less patient with her mother. “I wish we had a better relationship, but it’s a long-term thing. I want her to do more for herself. Mom doesn’t hear well so I have to practically shout at her. Then she makes fun of me. I used to answer back, but now I follow my husband’s advice that it’s better to shut up. I’m working on getting hearing aids for her. I did get her on an anti-anxiety medication which seems to be helping, though I have to keep reminding her to take it.”
She thinks it’s good that her parents are together. “Dad doesn’t remember my name anymore, but he still knows Mom’s. Their room has two single beds, but sometimes I see them in the same bed. I’m afraid they’ll fall out!” Despite the double burden, Gail is “happy” with her decision. “At the end I want to ask myself, did I do everything I could? I want to feel I did.”