HOW TO MAKE THE BIG DECISIONS
Making the best choices during the worst situations
BY:MARY ELIZABETH TERZELLA
Do you have trouble making major decisions? It's not surprising. As caregivers, the choices we make shape our lives and the quality of someone else's life. That's why it's important to hone your decision-making skills."Good decisions are made—they don't just happen," says Charles Foster, PhD, director of Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston. Although we all know we must investigate and evaluate our options to make wise choices, many of us don't know how to do this or we go about it in the wrong way. But these strategies can increase your chances of success:
Focus on the facts. It sounds like a no-brainer that you should objectively gather information before making a decision. But most of us don't, says Stephen P. Robbins, PhD, author of Decide & Conquer. Instead, we tend to search for evidence that supports views we already hold and give too little weight to contradictory information. To make the best decision, actively look for reasons why something may not be a smart idea or why you may be wrong. If your hunch is correct, it will withstand scrutiny. If not, this approach will likely reveal the flaws in your thinking, notes Dr. Robbins.
For routine or low-stakes decisions, you can be your own devil's advocate. But since it can be difficult to overcome your biases and challenge your beliefs, experts recommend getting advice from neutral outsiders when it comes to critical or life-changing choices.
Get the right advice. "When people fall down in decision making, it's often because they don't go to the right places for advice and don't get enough advice," says Dr. Foster, author of What Do I Do Now? Dr. Foster's 30 Laws of Great Decision Making.
Trying to decide, for instance, if your elderly father should have a risky operation? It goes without saying that you should get a second opinion (or a third if the first two doctors disagree). But don't consult only surgeons, who likely share a pro-surgery bias, he warns. Ask your dad's primary care doctor and perhaps a nurse if there are other treatments to consider.
For other decisions, the best strategy may be to talk to people who have made the same choice and see how they feel. Ask parents of autistic children about the up- and downsides of a particular school or program, for example. It's a more accurate way to get information than trying to guess this yourself, say experts.
Agonizing over a critical decision? Then you need input from people with different perspectives, cautions Dr. Foster. Ideally, he says, you should talk to three experts or 10 people dealing with your particular issue, to minimize the odds of encountering a cluster of people with similar attitudes.
Look beyond your friends and relatives. Friends and relatives can be good sounding boards if they've proven to be savvy decision makers or have expertise in your problem, says Dr. Foster. But you need open-minded advisors who offer opinions only after carefully considering your circumstances and not only referring to their own.
As with anyone who isn't a neutral expert—a psychologist, a marriage counselor, a doctor who specializes in geriatrics—the biases of family and friends cloud their objectivity. But unlike with outsiders, you're more apt to be swayed by their opinions. Just because an aide cares for your cousin's mother while she works doesn't mean a less-expensive option, such as an adult-day center, wouldn't be a good choice for yours. Her mother is timid; yours is gregarious. The stimulation of new faces and activities may be just what your outgoing mom needs.
Consider the best possible outcome. "When people evaluate options, they tend to focus only on the most likely outcomes or what could go wrong," says Dr. Foster. "They fail to consider that something wonderful might happen." For instance, an intensive physical-therapy program might allow your frail husband to progress from a walker to a cane. Sure, it's costly, but if you choose a highly recommended therapist known for inspiring patients, that long shot may be a good choice.
Measure your options against your most important priority. "It's the five-hundred-pound gorilla in your decision-making process and should dominate your other considerations," says Dr. Foster. Need less stress in your life? A pressure-cooker job probably won't be worth the extra pay and prestige. Is quality of life the top priority for a loved one with Parkinson's? Then deep-brain stimulation surgery might be worth the risks, even though it doesn't always restore the ability to walk or control tremors—and could even cause new problems.
Test-drive your decision. Imagine how each particular option will affect your family and your loved ones and how the outcome might make you feel. For instance, if your brother Joe brings your father, who has Alzheimer's disease, to his house on weekends, you and your husband will be free to go sailing for the rest of the summer. Excited by this prospect, you happily envision your father contentedly sitting on Joe's sunny porch, listening to his granddaughter play soothing music on the piano. But wait! Suddenly you recall how your brother and father have always butted heads, and now due to dementia your father can be mean and insulting. Will Joe be able to shrug off Dad's biting remarks? Or is he apt to lose his temper and want Dad gone, thereby ruining your plans? Perhaps you'd better test-drive another decision.
Allow time to "live" with your choices. Pretend the decision is a done deal and live with a particular option for a few days; then do the same with the others, advises Dr. Foster. One option may just feel right, or your mental trial runs may raise new drawbacks or doubts.
Perfecting your decision-making skills won't guarantee good outcomes, but it means you're less likely to regret your choices.