Caring Today Community -

• The Daily Grind

What you describe is unfortunate, but not that uncommon. There are matters of independence and pride as well as that "I'm the parent, you're the child" sensibility that persists no matter how old the "child" might be.

I do recommend that you and your siblings do your best to get on the same page based on the understanding that a united front on your part will be most helpful. In that same sense, however, once you are all working together, you can't present your arguments to your parents in an us-against-them scenario. Also, to "force the issue" indicates a confrontational approach, and that rarely succeeds without a lot of ill feelings on all sides.

There are a few articles on the website under Finding Answers that might prove useful. One is "When Parents Say No!" found under Put Ideas Into Practice. Another is "Turn Talk Positive" found under Talking Points. Both are guides to opening lines of communication.

As regards your parents' medical conditions, remember that their not talking to you about their conditions doesn't stop you from talking to their doctors. Though the doctors likely won't reveal anything about your mom or dad's condition without their authorization, you can explain your concerns to the doctor and ask him or her to talk to your folks about opening up a bit to you and your siblings.

Anybody else want to comment on how they got their folks to start to open up and accept suggestions? Let us know what works for you.

You're in a very tough situation, all of you. And, for that matter, so is your father-in-law who is elderly and not taking care of himself. If you don't feel he is really crying out for solace as he ages and finds himself less capable of taking care of himself, and you only have so much time and care to give, then it seems you have to set limits and stick to them.

If I were in your shoes, here's what I THINK I would do. I would tell him that you're willing to help him but only in certain ways and then outline what you WILL do. For example, one or two of you will give up a Saturday and work with/supervise a house cleaning service to get his home into shape. You will each visit once a week to do X, such as bring groceries, help him do laundry, bring his medications from the pharmacy, eat a meal with him, etc. That's it! Then, try not to answer the phone when he calls (especially if you feel you can distinguish between his cranky, needy calls and those when he really might be in trouble and need medical help.) If you feel not answering the phone is too risky, then you'll have to answer but still stick to your guns.

The above advice is partially based on how I saw my mother handle her own father late in his life. My grandfather had abandoned my mother and her sisters when they were very young and she only saw him six or seven times after that until he became ill at a very old age. He knew how to find her and when he was hospitalized, he called her. She went to visit (saying, "he IS my father, after all"). When he begged her to take him home to care for him, she surpised me. She told him we would not do that but that she would visit him and bring him what he needed from time to time. And that's what she did. No more, no less. And when he died, she was at peace with herself for having helped a human being in need without disrupting her family and her sanity.

I hope others will weigh in with suggestions. It is very difficult to deal with someone who has not been exactly kind and loving to his family all his life. And as human beings, we never feel good about refusing help to someone in need, no matter how frustrating they are to deal with.

Anyone else have advice?