2008 “Give a Caregiver a Break” GRAND-PRIZE WINNER
"A Reluctant Warrior"
Photography by Fran Collin
“My husband is driving me crazy!” I wailed to a girlfriend. “I don’t think I can survive retirement.”
My husband Gary and I had moved to a senior retirement community in beautiful South Carolina in January 2007. For years we looked forward to retirement, fantasizing about traveling, volunteering, visiting friends and enjoying life.
Soon after our move, however, I was puzzled by Gary’s behavior. He was not his usual congenial, dynamic self. He was quiet and withdrawn, avoiding conversation. He roamed during get-togethers, never engaging in happy banter with our new neighbors. Gary lacked empathy and sympathy. And he developed weird obsessions. Months later, Gary was diagnosed with Pick’s disease, a form of dementia.
No longer was I a dream-filled retiree. Instead, I was an overwhelmed and bewildered caregiver. As I struggled to help Gary deal with this awful disease, I discovered that there is much to learn about being a caregiver.
A caregiver must go with the flow.
Being flexible is necessary to prevent frustration for both of us. When Gary insists on buying armloads of cereal boxes, I don’t argue but simply take the extra cereal to charity. Nowadays, Gary only wears red, and convincing him to wear other colors is futile. So, I shop for red shirts and tell Gary how handsome he looks in red. When Gary obsesses on doing laundry every day, I go along and think, “At least everything we have is clean!”
A caregiver must appreciate the small stuff.
I am learning to find joy in the little things that delight Gary. He is easily charmed with, “Want some ice cream?” Or even better, “Want to brush the cat?” Gary always grabs a brush to fuss over our spoiled feline. And he likes G-rated movies. There is a pleasure in watching Gary wield a cat brush, relish ice cream and chuckle at television slapstick.
A caregiver must be plugged in.
Knowledge is critical to my success as a caregiver. I need information about Gary’s illness to be prepared for future difficulties. I count on professionals whose experience and advice assist me in making decisions. Tips from fellow caregivers help me do a better job. Support groups offer encouragement, camaraderie and comfort.
A caregiver needs helping hands.
I am learning that I cannot handle this situation by myself. Support from friends and family is a precious gift. How my tune has changed! I no longer wail in frustration and anger. These days, I exclaim, “How grateful I am for your help!”
A caregiver must share.
Friends say that they are learning from me! As I describe my situation, others are seeing firsthand what caregiving entails and are less fearful about dementia. In fact, now I get calls for information and advice! Helping others is joyful and meaningful for me.
A caregiver must endure.
Watching my husband’s brain slowly die is unimaginably distressing. There is terrible heartache—and much hard work. But quitting is not an option. I will endure, doing the best I can for Gary.
—Laura Wetherington, Bluffton, SC
Winner of $5000 in free respite care
From Home Instead Senior Care