SUDDENLY, A CAREGIVER: Lessons Learned by Lee Woodruff
Six insights in hindsight from the co-author of In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing
BY:LEE WOODRUFF
Photographed by John Abbott
When my husband, Bob, was injured, I didn't have time to gain the wisdom of all the caregivers who'd come before me. Like most of us thrust into this role, I operated from the gut, mostly learning through trial and error, by doing and reacting in the moment. Certain things I did right, others I could have done better or differently. For whatever it's worth, I share lessons from both sides here.
3 Things I Did Right
• I kept swimming laps. It was impossible to maintain my pre-caregiver schedule, but everyone kept telling me to do something for myself. I decided to focus on just one familiar part of my old life that would make me feel like my old self-my early-morning swim. That one hour was the only time all day when I could focus solely on myself and let my mind wander or daydream. It was a chance to center myself and keep me physically fit before the intensity of the day began.
• I was Bob's advocate every step of the way. I knew that one oversight, one wrong decision, one skipped medication could have dire consequences for Bob-and, ultimately, for our family. I learned how to communicate with the doctors, to question, to seek second opinions, to never be complacent and to check Bob's medication schedule after hospital shift changes. No one knows the patient like his loved ones.
• I subscribed to "the chit system." In the immediate aftermath, friends and acquaintances rushed in with offers to help. I told everyone that I'd give them an IOU. Then, at some point I'd call on them to do something helpful, whether it was take a child to an after-school activity or bring over a meal. I'd call in these "chits" when I really needed them. This made those who offered the help feel good-and I didn't feel as if I were asking for a "favor" all the time.
3 Things I'd Have Done Differently
• I would have asked for more help. I had lots of wonderful help from friends and neighbors, but I tried to do many things by myself, afraid to burden others. In the end, I burned myself out or simply became frustrated.
• I would have had a better handle on our finances. Whether it be everyday expenses, estate or insurance matters. I would urge every spouse to have a "master folder" containing all the family's important financial highlights. Include phone numbers of financial consultants or lawyers who can give you answers during times of duress.
• I would have sought emotional help earlier. I should have listened to all of the family members urging me to "talk to someone" and to consider an antidepressant to combat situational depression. I needed "body armor," as Bob's neuropsychologist finally told me. And I needed to feel a little bit like myself again in order to be able to help Bob and our children.