2006 "Give a Caregiver a Break" FIRST PRIZE WINNER
"A Eureka Moment"
Photography by Fran Collin
Once I had visions of revamping the world and making it into an image I would carefully craft. Instead, I became the mother of three and a third-generation caregiver.
In the beginning, I was naturally overwhelmed with sadness, as I simultaneously became the primary caregiver for my grandmother, mother and father. In addition to sadness, there was an almost paralyzing fear that I would do more harm than good.
Eventually, I became more familiar with the day-to-day activities of caregiving: temper tantrums (mine and my loved ones’), diapers (both big and small), turning public bathrooms into coed bath houses following gastrointestinal events, rewriting family history as I told my father that his father was proud of his accomplishments and had always loved him (which he never had heard from his father) and struggling with my own grief. Did I mention I also was working full time?
Well, one day we were having a discussion and someone at work said, “You can shake your fist at the clouds, but it will still rain.” I was poleaxed by this comment. I had a eureka moment. I realized that I cannot change the illnesses, I cannot prevent my family from slipping away. I can only change how I respond to it. Sounds simple, huh? I could literally feel the pressure and sadness lighten. I realized I had to push through my pain and that once I moved beyond my pain, I would be able to enjoy my family. And it worked!
All of a sudden I was able to laugh at the outrageous antics of Dad’s dementia. When we were investigating a transplant for my mom, we nicknamed the worst side effects of her disease (swelling was Mergatroid, confusion was Beatrice, etc.); the more unpleasant the side effect, the uglier the name we would choose. I treasure these moments of pure joy that I would have missed had I not “pushed through the pain.”
I also have been blessed with loving, supportive people in my life who assist with caring for my dad. I receive respite services, which I share with my family. I have used respite to go prom-dress shopping with my daughter, to attend my own lady doctor appointments (I don’t want my dad witnessing that one!), and for time to become adjusted to the new “normal” as Dad’s condition worsens.
I was asked by a local agency to speak to our state legislature regarding my experiences as a caregiver. In short, the trip was successful and obtained funding for in-home services that had been cut from the state budget. Every day caregivers go toe to toe with the disease, knowing they will lose. I had the amazing privilege of winning one battle when the funds were restored. It was intoxicating. I have given up my career, but I found peace and personal fulfillment that no amount of professional success could have provided me. Thank you, Dad. I love you.
—Debbie Newsham, Eagle River, AK
Winner of $2,500 worth of respite care
from Home Instead Senior Care