JUNIOR ACHIEVEMENT: Lessons Learned by Mary and Shane
A mother's view of having her teenaged son as her caregiver
BY:ANNE HOSANSKY
photography by Fran Collin
Mary: Yes. They know anyway. Children feel the stress in the family and they see things, like Mom always needing an extra nap or whatever. I wanted to protect them, but there was no way to hide the fact that I couldn't walk. If you keep things secret and the worst happens, they'll resent not having been told the truth.
How did you tell your children?
Mary: With honesty. Their aunt had died from MS, so Jeff and I reassured them that now there are more drugs that can help. I also took them to meet my doctor. He told them how I was always bragging about their grades and sports. He said, "Just keep being good kids and that will help her." And it does!
How do you handle the stress that illness can inflict on a couple?
Mary: You need to communicate. I tell Jeff I feel terrible that I can't do things I used to, can't go on company trips with him. He says, "This is when you need me." A year after I became sick, we renewed our vows. He told the boys that, even though things are hard, he'll always be there for us.
What can other people do to help a child in this situation?
Mary: Take the child places—games, restaurants, the mall, vacations. My friends bring cooked dinners three times a week to take some of the burden off the boys. Jamie told his [college basketball] teammates about me. Since they know I watch the games on my laptop, the whole team taps their backs before each game to signal "Hello," letting me know they think about me.
Is it difficult to ask for help from your children?
Mary: Yes, and I hate it! I feel as if, every time they walk by, I have to ask for something. Sometimes I break down and cry from the pain, and I wish they didn't see that. But some kids have to see their parents go through all kinds of things, like cancer. That's life. And much as I resent their having to do everything, it's brought us closer.
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