LESSONS LEARNED: JONATHAN
A husband. A father. A provider. A caregiver. Advice from a man with a non-stop life.
BY:ANNE HOSANSKY
Photograph by Fran Collin
Is being a caregiver different for a man?Yes. Even today we have preconceived notions about the roles of husband and wife. A good part of caregiving is connecting on an emotional level, and it's the rare guy who's wired that way.
Can you talk to other men about your problems?
Not at all. Years ago I started a support group for husbands of wives with MS; it went over like a lead balloon. A few guys showed, but they just wanted to know how to "fix" it.
How did you get past the "I can fix it" mentality?
It's aggravating to know I can't fix Mimi's illness. For instance, it would be easier for her to use the wheelchair and a ramp to get into the van, but she insists on transferring from the scooter. I have to understand that she wants to use her body. The hardest thing is realizing that the best you can offer is your presence and reassurance that you love her.
How have your youthful expectations changed?
I thought married life would have more spontaneity and more income! Also, I love language and hoped to become a professor of etymology. I try to accept all this. But acceptance comes and goes. I try to go by that saying, "Bloom where you're planted."
What's been hardest?
Giving up my ability to go off by myself. Men are like rubber bands—we need to stretch out and then come back. But I can't do this. Also, frankly, we went through a difficult time in our sexual life because of Mimi's condition. But we found ways to work with this, and that part of our marriage is now better than ever.
How can men prepare?
They should review their marriage vows and remember what they promised. You often hear that a guy's bailed when his spouse got ill. They should realize caregiving is a calling, and there are hidden treasures, like closeness. Also, toughness. If you can deal with this, you can deal with anything!