ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE
Get Out From Under That Cloud And Feel The Sunshine
She cooked three different dinners nightly. Her living room looked like an overcrowded hospital room. Every day was laundry day. Yet, Fran Carpentier considers the five months she spent taking care of her disabled parents, a gift. "I got more out of the experience than they did," says the Manhattan working mother. Fran loved the family stories her parents told over tea and delighted in her father's wit and her mother's observations about life. Caring for her parents after a fire damaged their home gave her a chance to "say thanks for all they've done for me."
This is the attitude of a caregiver who looks on the bright side. But what if you don't naturally accentuate the positive? You can cultivate a more upbeat attitude, says Martin E. P. Seligman, PhD, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania and author of Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life.
Here, strategies that can help you see the upside:
Look for the silver lining.
Tough times offer opportunities for learning and growth, and perceiving their value can help you cope day-to-day. "Realizing that something positive inevitably comes out of all experiences-even the painful-is what optimism is all about," says Dan Baker, PhD, a psychologist and co-author of What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better.
When facing a challenge or crisis, ask, "What can I learn from this?" People who managed to see some benefit in a traumatic experience early on were less negative and reported a better quality of life than those who didn't, a recent study revealed.
Shine the light on what is bright.
Celebrate the good things in your life, both big and small. Relish the joke you share with your ill mother, rejoice in having supportive friends, recognize that caregiving has given you a chance to demonstrate your love or taught you to be more patient.
Research suggests that people who count their blessings are happier, healthier and more optimistic. "The experience of gratitude is incompatible with negative emotions," says researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, author of The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach To Getting the Life You Want and a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside.
TIP: Do an appreciation audit. Every day, write down three things that went well and why. Or simply remember your favorite things, suggests Dr. Baker. Make "top five" lists of favorite people, vacations, foods-you get the picture.
Argue with yourself.
How we act and feel stems from our beliefs, says Dr. Seligman. But these beliefs aren't necessarily accurate. In fact, "usually the negative beliefs that automatically follow adversity are inaccurate, because most of us tend to catastrophize," he notes. It's crucial to dispute the worst-case scenarios you envision, because research shows that negative thoughts stimulate the areas of the brain involved in depression and anxiety. To do this, tell yourself:
"A more accurate way of seeing this is..." (Look for alternatives.)
"That's not true because..." (Examine the evidence.)
"I can do...to deal with it." (Even if the facts are true, perhaps you can do something to improve the situation.)
TIP: Watch your language. When things go wrong, try not to use "always" or "never" in ways that imply your behavior or circumstances can't change. If you tell yourself, "I always get in an argument with Dad" or "I'll never get another job," you'll give up. Pessimists believe rocky times will last forever and blame themselves for mistakes. Optimists realize they're facing a temporary bump in the road and chalk up setbacks to circumstances or the wrong approach (and so try again).
Put a little joy in your life.
Research suggests that good feelings can banish negative emotions and help buffer stress. To brighten your outlook, carve out time for enjoyable activities, even if you just take 10 minutes to savor a delicious dessert or romp with your dog. "Sprinkling your day with small pleasures creates little bursts of enthusiastic feelings," says Dr. Lyubomirsky. "And, really, the key to happiness is having frequent positive emotions."
Play up YOUR personal strengths.
Frequently using your inherent strengths-kindness, generosity, ingenuity and curiosity-can increase your contentment and confidence to overcome challenges, according to Dr. Seligman.
Pride yourself on your sense of humor? If so, making a quip to defuse a tense situation or telling a joke to bring a smile to the face of your testy loved one will give you a gratifying glow.
TIP: Identify the best in yourself. Take the "Values In Action Signature Strengths Test" at www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu, then use your top five strengths in a new way every day.
Focus on manageable problems.
Family caregivers often feel helpless because they can't cure or control a loved one's disease. However, research suggests that caregivers tend to feel more positive if they focus on attainable goals-such as making appetite-tempting foods or planning spirit-lifting activities-instead of the overall illness. Whatever the situation,"think of options, no matter how small," advises Dr. Baker. "Life can be brutal, but if we have options, we have hope."