C'MON BE HAPPY
The best-selling author of "Be Happy" creates an eight-day guide to happiness especially for Caring Today.
BY:ROBERT HOLDEN, PHD
Photo by David Beeler
Happiness is a gift. It's a gift that can benefit everyone in your life-and you. Happiness studies prove that happiness is more than just a pleasurable emotion; it has essential properties that bring out the best in you. "Being Happy" can help you to be genuinely friendly, forgiving, loving, altruistic and kind. In short, happiness is good for you. And it's good for everyone else, too.
Since 1994, I have run an eight-week program called "Be Happy." Over these weeks, participants complete a nourishing, healing journey in which they participate in a rich mix of exercises, conversations and assignments that help them to recharge and reset themselves for life.
I've created this mini-version of the "Be Happy" program for Caring Today readers. You'll find eight exercises, one for each day, to be completed over consecutive days. I recommend that you devote at least 15 minutes a day to each exercise. If possible, do this program with a buddy. This will give you a chance to get into some meaningful conversations as well as offer you extra support.
I hope you enjoy your personal "Be Happy" program. Remember, your happiness really is a gift to the world.
Day 1: Defining True Happiness
What is your definition of a happy life? Are you living it? Did you remember to include yourself in your definition? Think carefully about this because your definition of happiness will influence every significant decision in your life. For instance, if you think happiness is to be found outside you, you'll turn happiness into a search, pursuit or destination, but if you know happiness is inside you, then happiness becomes a compass, a guide and a force that helps you to live a rich life.
Be Happy Exercise: There is a world of difference between searching for happiness and following your joy. Your first assignment is to reflect on the question, "When am I happiest?" Identify what inspires you, nourishes you and fans the flames of joy within. Being clear about this will help you to be true to yourself, to be honest, to make better choices and to have the courage to say a big "yes" to what really matters most to you in life. Say "yes" to joy today.
Day 2: The Happiness Contract
As a child, experiencing happiness is natural and easy. Happiness is your original energy. Playfulness is your true nature. Joy is in your spiritual DNA. But in the years that follow, your personality creates a "Happiness Contract" that is full of learned ideas and false beliefs that limit your daily allowance of joy. Some examples of this conditioned thinking include fears like "Too much happiness is selfish," beliefs like "I must be worthy of happiness," or rules like "I must earn happiness," as well as self-made laws such as "I must sacrifice myself for other people's happiness" or "It's not okay for me to be happy if others are not."
Be Happy Exercise: The Happiness Contract is a metaphor, but its effects feel very real. The good news is that you can rewrite this contract by being willing to accept happiness more unconditionally in your life. Today's assignment is to try to complete the following sentence in ten different ways: "One way I limit my own happiness is ..." Don't think too much. Free associate. Let your answers flow. Afterwards, examine your responses carefully, looking for any learned rules, laws and fears that you can surrender. Happiness is free-there are no conditions.
Day 3: I Choose Happiness
As soon as you wake up, you start making choices. Most of these are "to-do" choices, such as opting to take a shower or bath, wear grey pants or blue, drink coffee or tea. There is another category of choices, however, which are your "to- be" choices, such as being present in the moment, being loving and being happy. So, here's a big question for you: On a scale of 0 to 10, how happy have you decided to be today? Is your score 3-out-of-10, 5-out-of-10 or 9-out-of-10 perhaps? Ask yourself whether you have already made a decision about how good today will be.
Be Happy Exercise: Some people chase happiness; other people choose happiness. It all depends on how much time you want to save. Try to find the place in your mind where you've already decided how good today will be. Are you happy with your decision? If not, set a positive intention right now to let today be more enjoyable than you expect it to be. Now, turn your positive intention into action by doing three things that make your heart glow.
Day 4: Beware Unhealthy Sacrifice
To be happy you have to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy sacrifice. Healthy sacrifice is giving up something that is not helpful or smart for something that is. For example, stop saying "yes" to everyone or cut your "to-do" list in half. Quit trying to please everyone and stop denying your own needs. Unhealthy sacrifice is when you sacrifice your happiness, your health or your integrity for someone or something else. The reason this type of sacrifice is so unhealthy is that it doesn't work in the long run for you or anyone else.
Be Happy Exercise: When you try to play the martyr, you lose and so does everyone else around you. One way to undo unhealthy sacrifice is to focus on receiving. People who are caregivers tend to be better at giving than at receiving-and this imbalance is what inevitably leads to exhaustion and unhappiness. Your assignment today is to be more open than usual to letting life support you and people give to you. Being a good receiver is what helps you to give fully of yourself without giving yourself away.
Day 5: Putting Yourself First
Caring for others is a joy. It is how we show our love. It's how we say "thank you." It's how we make a contribution to the world. Unfortunately, sometimes the joy of caring for others is overshadowed by challenging schedules, non-stop requests, conflicting roles, no personal space and no self-care. Eventually, you tell yourself that it is impossible to look after yourself and others too. This feels absolutely true, but it isn't. The fact is, if you don't look after yourself, you won't be able to look after anyone else either. To care for others in a loving and effective way, you simply must care for yourself first.
Be Happy Exercise: You cannot neglect yourself and find happiness. Today, your assignment is to find time to have a meeting with yourself. Give yourself at least 15 minutes to check in with you, to put yourself first. This is not selfish of you-it is essential for everyone. Tune in to your well-being. Ask yourself: "What are my needs right now?" "What messages is my body giving me?" "How does my heart feel?" "What is my wisdom telling me?" If you're feeling overwhelmed, maybe it's time for you to ask for help. Life gets better when you treat yourself better.
Day 6: Your Inner Smile
"Most of the time I don't have very much fun, and the rest of the time I have no fun at all," quipped Woody Allen. Sometimes life can get so manic, busy and demanding that you end up setting your sights on simply getting through the day rather than genuinely enjoying the day. You run on autopilot. You are reactive rather than creative. You just get into a mode and life becomes a daily blur. The heavy tiredness you feel in your body is a sure sign that there is a better way to live.
Be Happy Exercise: Happiness studies show consistently that most people who score higher levels of happiness don't have markedly better life circumstances than lower scorers. So why are they so happy? Well, one reason is that they know how to enjoy their lives. Today's assignment is to find your inner smile by reminding yourself of what energizes you, what you love and what inspires you. Memo to Self: Remember to enjoy the miracle of existence today.
Day 7: Practicing Forgiveness
There are two attitudes that are proven to increase your happiness levels. They are forgiveness and gratitude. Sometimes to be happy in the present moment, you have to be willing to stop wishing for a better past. Forgiveness is the key to releasing the past and recommitting to your life now. It's impossible to carry wounds and be happy. You can't be a victim and be joyful. You can't keep neglecting yourself and feel whole. Forgiveness helps you to heal your heart, to be true to yourself, to let go of the past and be free.
Be Happy Exercise: Your assignment today is to practice self-forgiveness. Declare today a day of new beginnings in which you forgive yourself for all those times that you treated yourself in "love-less" and "care-less" ways. Self-forgiveness is the key to loving yourself. This is so important because it is impossible to love others if you do not love yourself. Also, the more you love yourself the easier it is for others to love you. Keep in mind that forgiveness is the key to experiencing love and happiness.
Day 8: Being Grateful
In the "Be Happy" course, participants are given a Gratitude Journal in which they write down what they're thankful for every day during the eight-week course. Gratitude is often referred to as the "shortest shortcut to happiness." How so? First, gratitude helps you to focus on what is important in your life. Remember, to be happy you have to be willing to sacrifice what isn't important for what is. Second, gratitude helps you become more receptive to the good things in life. As my friend Chuck Spezzano says, "When the receiver is ready, the gift appears."
Be Happy Exercise: Today you are to review this eight-day, mini-Be Happy program and make a list of at least eight blessings, breakthroughs and benefits you have experienced. The miracle of gratitude is that the more you practice gratitude, the more things you will find to be thankful for. The gift of gratitude is that it helps you to participate more fully in your own life-and to appreciate what you already have. This is crucial because in the final analysis, the only thing that is really missing in your life is more of the real you.
About Robert Holden
Robert Holden, PhD, the London-based director of The Happiness Project and author of Be Happy, has been studying the psychology of happiness for 15 years, and his extensive research has unearthed one simple truth: Happiness is a choice. Dr. Holden's workshops, which use daily exercises to teach people the fine art of achieving, following and practicing joy, have garnered the attention of media powerhouses like BBC TV and Oprah. Perhaps more impressively, his techniques have been scrutinized by the scientific community, which has determined that Dr. Holden's project can indeed change the way the brain functions; it also has been shown to reduce stress and decrease blood pressure.
Although Dr. Holden has become a veritable glee guru in his own right, his life wasn't always so joyful. As a child, he was raised amidst the chaos of depression and alcoholism. Periodically, his mother unexpectedly took to her bed for weeks at a time and his father drank so heavily that he eventually left the family home and spent the remainder of his life on the streets. "The pain that my mom and dad went through somersaulted me forward into a major inquiry," he says. "When I was 15 or 16, when it was really cool to be playing sports or in a rock band, I started asking all the big questions such as, 'Who are we?' and 'What is life for?'"
Today, Dr. Holden has answered these questions in his own way. He's deciphered that true happiness doesn't need to be chased or caught or sought-nor is it reserved for the lucky, the wealthy or the worthy. In fact, happiness may just be the true human condition.
"Happiness isn't an it, a thing or a destination," he explains. "I don't even think it's a state of mind. I really think that happiness is our true nature, it's who we are when we're letting ourselves be." Or, phrased more succinctly, "Happiness is who we are minus our neuroses."
Dr. Holden is also the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy (2009, Hay House paperback edition $16.95), gives virtually a front-row seat for his unique program. For more information, you can visit www.behappy.net or www.robertholden.org.
-Mariel Rittenhouse Goodson