FINDING YOUR SECOND VOICE
To communicate better with others, you've got to learn how to talk to yourself
BY:PAT SAMPLES
When I ask caregivers in my workshops to write a list of what they're doing right, many of them take a long time to come up with even one right thing to mention. Some can't think of any.
Despite giving endless attention and care to their loved ones, doing mountains of unpleasant and unfamiliar tasks, these caregivers are flooded with guilt and self-doubt. Pile on frequent bouts of worry, fear, sadness, resentment—as well as a bundle of other troubling emotions—and it's no surprise that many a caregiver's long days seem like endless nightmares. Why me? and Woe is me! become their daily mantras.
These disheartening mantras are examples of what I call the caregiver's first voice. That voice represents the normal response to mounting stress: How am I going to survive?! While understandable, this reaction rarely leads to peace of mind.
Tap A Deeper Wisdom
Caregivers have a better chance at peace of mind if they tap into their inner well of wisdom—their second voice. That voice is the comforting, reassuring (sometimes spiritual) voice that leads them to the deepest truth about their situation, giving rest and renewal to their frazzled spirit.
Many caregivers have learned how to tune into this wise second voice, getting beyond that first voice in their heads. Lori, the parent of a third-grader who has brittle-bone disease, is a good example. When people around Lori don't understand her son's special needs or assume he's going to fail in life, her first voice reacts with, "They don't understand!" and "I can't handle this!"
But Lori has learned to counter this discouraging mind talk—and shift into her second voice—by singing inspirational songs to herself. She says that after a few verses, she is soon able to reassure herself: "No, my son is not a failure. He's special and he needs me. I'm going to make sure he gets what he needs. I'll educate people, even get them involved in his care. And, I'm not alone in this. I have a supportive sister and a mom who helps me." Once these reassuring second-voice messages take over, she's much more serene.
Lori also keeps her second voice activated by wearing t-shirts sporting encouraging messages, getting support from friends at church, and by repeating positive affirmations to herself. She reinforces her second-voice messages by sharing them with other parents in similar situations. Her well-cultivated second voice reminds her to keep a positive outlook and focus on all that she has gained from having her special son.
Push Past "If Only"
Every caregiver has a wise second voice available. It may take some practice, though, for this voice to be heard above the loud and unbridled first-voice messages that can run rampant through our minds.
The first voice often starts with "If only...": If only I'd been there, this wouldn't have happened. If only he'd do it my way, everything would be all right. If only I try hard enough, this illness will go away. This "if only" voice can be like a whining boomerang that keeps returning with little to show for the effort.
Carolyn, a nurse, agonized over placing her mother in a nursing home after promising herself she never would. Her first voice told her that if only she used all her nursing know-how, she would be able to take care of her mother, no matter what. But over time, the physical and emotional demands became all-consuming and finally Carolyn had to make the difficult decision to place her mother in a nursing home.
Carolyn's first voice stayed active for a while afterwards, however. "When I'd visit her, I would have this terrible urge to step in and take over her care again," she admits. But Carolyn relied on some of the tools she had learned in her Alcoholics Anonymous program to help her find her realistic second voice that says, "I know my limits, and I know where others have to take over." Now, she's at peace with her decision.
Listen to Your Body
Sometimes the spokesperson for the second voice is your body. Aches and pains may tell you it's time to rest or get some medical attention. Tense shoulders may reveal an anxiety in need of calming. A hurting heart may be a way of calling out for some comforting attention from a friend. The more you listen to your body, the more you'll be able to sense the nuances of your second voice trying to get your attention. You'll start to notice ever-so-subtle energy activity and pick up on its cues. A meditation I offer, called "Gathering In," highlights this kind of awareness.
You can find many other ways to tune in to your second voice, such as through prayer, support groups, journaling, or gentle observation and redirection of your thoughts.
However you find it, your second voice can help you stay grounded in a reality larger than the immediate and urgent needs of your loved one. That larger reality, especially when it has a spiritual dimension, provides relief from gnawing guilt, self-doubt and other troubling emotions.