THE COMPASSIONATE SELF
The author of "Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind" offers insights into a concept important to every caregiver.
BY:KRISTIN NEFF, PHD
Let's face it - being a caregiver can be incredibly stressful. Whether it's a parent with Alzheimer's, a depressed spouse, a child with juvenile diabetes, or a friend with cancer, caring for those we love takes it out of us emotionally, psychologically, physically, and often financially.
Fortunately, there is something we can do to bring a greater sense of wellbeing into our lives as caregivers. We can give ourselves compassion for the difficulty of the experience, responding to our feelings of worry, frustration and exhaustion with patience and understanding. We can respond to our emotional pain with the healing balm of kindness, and thus be of greater use to those we care about.
As a mother of a child with autism, I can tell you from first-hand experience what a difference "self-compassion" can make. It pulled me back from the precipice of despair as I struggled to deal with my son Rowan's condition. When we first got the diagnosis, even in the mad rush to get information about autism and consider our treatment options, I took time to take my own emotional needs seriously. I allowed myself to fully feel my grief, disappointment, and irrational shame over not having a "normal" child. By recognizing that such feelings were natural, and not judging myself for having them, I was able to more quickly accept this turn in my life rather than banging my head against the wall of reality.
So what exactly is self-compassion? Drawing on the writings of various Buddhist teachers, I define self-compassion as being comprised of three main components: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
To start, "self-kindness" refers to the tendency to be understanding and caring toward ourselves rather than harshly critical or judgmental. Instead of tearing ourselves to shreds when we fail or make a mistake, we support, soothe, and comfort ourselves, just as we would a good friend. It also involves being emotionally responsive to our own suffering, even when our problems stem from life circumstances outside our control. Self-soothing has been shown to reduce levels of cortisol (our stress hormones), while releasing oxytocin and other opiates (the feel-good hormones that make us feel safe and secure).
"Common humanity" involves recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. After all, where is that written contract you signed before birth promising that you would be perfect, or that your life would go exactly as you want it to? Yet for some reason we get incredibly frustrated when something goes wrong, thinking things should be other than they are. This means that we tend to feel isolated when faced with problems, irrationally feeling that somehow everyone else is living a carefree life while we can barely keep our heads above water. When we remind ourselves that suffering is intrinsic part of being human, however, we can relax knowing that our experience is normal, and find solace in the fact that we're not alone.
Finally, "mindfulness" means that we're aware of what's occurring in the present moment in a clear and balanced manner. First, we have to recognize we're suffering in order to be able to give ourselves compassion. While suffering might seem blindingly obvious, it's often not. Either we're so taken up with judging or criticizing ourselves that we don't acknowledge our self-inflicted pain, or else we're so lost in problem-solving mode that we don't pause to notice how much we're hurting and in need of care. Mindfulness also prevents us from getting carried away by our negative emotions, spinning them into an exaggerated personal soap opera. When we are mindful we see things just as they are - no more, no less.
However, let's be clear. Self-compassion is the polar opposite of self-pity, even though the two are often confused. Self-pity is an egocentric, "poor me" attitude in which people exaggerate their own problems and forget that others are experiencing similar problems. In contrast, self-compassion acknowledges that life is difficult for everyone. And by remembering that others are suffering in similar or even worse ways than we are, our own experience gets put into greater perspective. Moreover, to clear up another misconception, self-indulgence, or "letting ourselves of f the hook," does not result from self-compassion. Because self-compassion involves the desire to alleviate suffering, it actually encourages responsibility and positive change. After all, a caring mother doesn't let her son skip school and enjoy ice-cream all day, but instead requires that he does his homework and eats his spinach. In the same way, when we care for ourselves, we'll try to avoid actions that cause harm and do what's needed to reach our full potential. The self-compassionate individual safely acknowledges their human weaknesses and works on changing them.
In fact, for the past decade as my colleagues and I conducted research on self-compassion, we found that self-compassionate people are more likely to take personal responsibility for past mistakes, but are also less upset by them. These people have more intrinsic motivation, greater self-confidence, less fear of failure, and better coping abilities. Therefore, they are less likely to be depressed, anxious, stressed and perfectionistic, while being more resilient, optimistic, happy and satisfied with their lives. They also tend to be more giving and supportive in their relationships with others, meaning that the benefits of self-compassion are both personal and interpersonal.
Needless to say, self-compassion is a crucial practice for caregivers. If we continually give to others without nurturing ourselves, however, we'll eventually burn out. We won't have the energy or resources necessary to cope--our emotional gas tank stuck on empty. And if we're caring for someone who displays highly challenging behaviors, like an alcoholic spouse in a drunken rage, or schizophrenic child having a psychotic episode, we may develop what's known as secondary traumatic stress disorder. In other words, their stress and trauma becomes our stress and trauma. But somewhere the chain of suffering has to be broken, and often the best place to start is with us.
For myself, when I became anxious and worried about Rowan's future... What's going to happen to him?...Will he ever live independently?... I would try to focus on the present moment. I am right here, right now. Rowan is safe and happy. I have no idea what his future holds. It's a mystery, but running away with my fear is not going to help. Let me focus on calming and comforting myself. Poor thing, I know how incredibly difficult it is for you right now. When I soothed my troubled mind in this way, I stay centered without being overwhelmed, realizing that whatever Rowan's future held, I loved him exactly as he was.
At times when I thought I couldn't cope a moment longer, self-compassion got me through. Because of the intense sensory issues experienced by autistic children, they are prone to violent tantrums. The only thing you can do as a parent is to try to keep your child safe and wait until the storm passes. When my son screamed and flailed away in the grocery story for no discernable reason, with strangers giving me nasty looks because they thought I wasn't disciplining my child properly, I'd give myself the compassion I wasn't receiving from others. I would comfort myself for feeling confused, ashamed, stressed, and helpless, providing the emotional support I desperately needed in the moment. Self-compassion helped me steer clear of anger and self-pity, allowing me to remain patient and loving towards Rowan despite the feelings of despair and frustration that would inevitably arise. I'm not saying that I didn't have times when I lost it. I had many. But in those times I still had my practice of self-compassion to fall back on. I could forgive myself for reacting badly, for making mistakes, for being human. Self-compassion allowed me to cope, putting me in the balanced emotional mind state needed to deal skillfully with whatever new challenges arose. If I hadn't been aware of the power of self-compassion at that time, I don't know how I would have gotten through those especially difficult early years. (You can learn more about these years in the book and film The Horse Boy at www.horseboymovie.com).
If you're a caregiver, try giving yourself compassion for the daily struggles you face. (CLICK HERE for three tips from Dr. Neff to help you get started.) Rather than taking anything away from the person you care for, self-compassion allows you to give more fully and more sustainably. And whenever you make a mistake, react badly, or feel challenged beyond your limits, remember that you're a human being doing the best you can. Remember to be kind and supportive toward yourself, just as you would be to a good friend. Perfection is never possible, but self-compassion is always available, there when you need it most.
ABOUT KRISTIN NEFF
Kristin got her Ph.D. in 1997 at UC Berkeley, studying moral development. She is currently an Associate Professor in Human Development at the University of Texas at Austin.
Her website www.self-compassion.org has exercises and guided meditations that can help you learn more about self-compassion, as well as videos, links to research articles, and a way to test your own self-compassion level. You can also learn more about self-compassion from her recent book, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.